


living in knots, we begin we don't stop

by AgentBuzzkill



Series: the love, the dark, the light, the flame [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Demons Are Assholes, Fjord gets emotional in the bath, Getting Together, M/M, Misunderstandings, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 08:44:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18340181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentBuzzkill/pseuds/AgentBuzzkill
Summary: There’s a faraway look in Caleb’s eyes as he regards his friends. He barely spares them a passing glance before the demon leans in toward in his ear and they can hear her words, honey sweet and dripping with malice. She wants them to hear this.“That’s the one, isn’t it?” she asks, her gaze set on Fjord, and his grip on his falchion instinctively tightens. Her eyes run over his body, her gaze like a shock straight to the pit of his stomach, and he fights the urge to curl up and hide.“The one that fills you with so much want. I can’t say I blame you, he looks absolutely delicious.”There’s a flicker of something in Caleb’s eyes, but before Fjord can register what it is the demon runs her fingers over Caleb’s cheek and his expression falls.





	living in knots, we begin we don't stop

**Author's Note:**

> A different take on episodes 55 and 56. Title taken from the song "Are You Ready?" by Prides.
> 
> It should be noted that this was written before episode 57, so when that inevitably napalms the back half of this fic into the ground please keep that in mind.

The succubus wraps an arm around Caleb and the sight sends a knife straight into Fjord’s gut. Every ounce of his self control is spent keeping him from rushing her, but Caleb is a perfect human shield. The risk of hurting him is too great.

There’s a faraway look in Caleb’s eyes as he regards his friends. He barely spares them a passing glance before the demon leans in toward in his ear and they can hear her words, honey sweet and dripping with malice. She wants them to hear this.

“That’s the one, isn’t it?” she asks, her gaze set on Fjord, and his grip on his falchion instinctively tightens. Her eyes run over his body, her gaze like a shock straight to the pit of his stomach, and he fights the urge to curl up and hide.

“The one that fills you with so much _want._ I can’t say I blame you, he looks absolutely delicious.”

There’s a flicker of something in Caleb’s eyes, but before Fjord can register what it is the demon runs her fingers over Caleb’s cheek and his expression falls.

“Get the fuck away from him!” Nott yells but the succubus pays her no mind. Her finger absentmindedly runs along Caleb’s cheekbone.

“I can give him to you. Then you can put aside your fears that his affection belongs to another.”

Caleb blinks slowly. A blush rises on his cheeks. He looks at Fjord, the same emotion flickering in his eyes again, and Fjord--

Fjord has dreamed of Caleb wanting him. He has spent far too much time over-analyzing every innocent touch, every accidental brush of Caleb’s hand over his arm or his back. Glances shared over cups of ale. Shopping trips spent together searching for books. Nights spent pressed shoulder to shoulder, taking watch. Protecting each other in fights. Taking care of each other. Rescuing each other.

Like teammates do. Like friends do.

It’s all he’d ever hoped to be. Friends. Even if his stupid heart never ceased in crying out for more. Even if the parts of his heritage that he tried to keep hidden away--the need to possess, the need to claim, the need to protect what was his--screamed to be acknowledged, to be sated.

Even if the scar on his palm still tingles, begging to be reunited with its twin on Caleb’s skin. 

But this isn’t how it was supposed to happen. He can’t help but feel that any chance at more is gone now, and before Fjord can stop himself a pained noise leaves him. A whine of grief. And suddenly everyone is looking at him and there’s pity in their eyes and it’s too much for Fjord to handle right now and the succubus presses on, relishing in Fjord’s misery as she keeps talking to Caleb.

“Wouldn’t you do anything to own his heart? I could have him on his knees for you. Begging to be claimed by you.”

And god if Fjord hasn’t had those exact thoughts before, but instead of the usual pleasant heat curling deep within him there’s only ice cold shame. Fjord can’t seem to look away from Caleb, but out of the corner of his eye he sees the others glancing at him, clearly worried. Nausea rolls through him as Caleb’s lips part, choking on words that the demon is trying to force from him. His hands hang loosely at his sides, but as the succubus runs a hand over his neck his fingers twitch.

The succubus grins and it chills Fjord to the bone.

“Take care of the others, and he can be yours forever.”

Caleb’s glance slips from Fjord over to the rest of his friends. He raises his hand, eyes narrowing, and Nott barely has time to yell “Scatter!” before a firebolt is cast at them.

Jester takes the brunt of the hit, though Caduceus tries to pull her out of the way. Beau immediately darts for the succubus, looking for any way to hurt her without putting Caleb at too much of a risk.

“Caleb!” Fjord screams as Jester cries out in pain, “Snap out of it!”

Caleb looks to him then, and where there was once no emotion there is now only determination. He raises a hand, muttering under his breath, and a wall of fire erupts between Fjord and the rest of his party, forcing him to press his back against the hard wall to avoid being scorched by the flames. They cover him on all sides and block him out of the fight entirely.

A growl of frustration rips through him and he looks around. He can’t see what’s going on, can barely hear the fighting over the roar of the flames, but as he’s looking for an escape movement above catches his eye.

The incubus. Watching him with a curious tilt to its head. He jumps down, landing gracefully in front of Fjord, seemingly unaffected by the blazing fire around them.

“Join us,” he says, stretching a hand out toward Fjord. “Don’t you want power? Don’t you want him?”

In the back of his mind Fjord can feel the demon’s claws, digging into his brain and trying to plant suggestions. The incubus’s eyes flash a familiar blue, and for a second Fjord thinks that giving in might not be so bad, not if he and Caleb-

But they’re interrupted by a stray arrow embedding itself in the demon’s shoulder. It howls, whirling around to pinpoint the source of the attack, and Fjord has never been happier that Nott’s aim with her crossbow isn’t always perfect. The demon’s claws in his brain recede and he comes back to himself just as the incubus flies back up into the ceiling. It darts off and Fjord swears.

He knows there are pools of water in the room, but interacting with them without seeing them is going to be hard. Still he stretches a hand out, focused and trying to stop himself from trembling, trying to focus because focusing is the only way he’s going to get out of this. It’s the only way he can save Caleb and destroy that fucking succubus.

Another arrow barely misses his head and he barely hears Nott’s shrill “Sorry!” over the roar of the flames around him.

His desperation seems to give him strength as he focuses on channeling the closest body of water he remembers seeing in the cave, and he can almost feel the water responding to him. Power swells within him and he brings his hand to himself, beckoning as if to welcome the water to him.

What he doesn’t account for is the fucking wave that rises up and crashes right into him. Because of course it does. The water seems to dull most of the fire, leaving clouds of steam and small, flickering flames in its wake, while additionally leaving a waterlogged Fjord spread out on the floor.

“That was pretty cool,” he hears and Fjord runs a hand over his face, sputtering around water as he blinks up at Caduceus. He looks a little worse for wear, with his armor scorched and clutching a wound at his side. He offers a hand and helps Fjord up and over the flames that sputter and quickly die out before turning back to the group and blinking into invisibility.

Fjord looks around frantically, trying to take stock in what’s happened since the fighting began. Other creatures have joined in the fighting and he fires eldritch blasts at them without thinking, trying to eliminate the first threat he sees. They’re badly hurt but not downed yet, and one rears up to take a swipe at him with its claws. Yasha’s blade carves through it, cleaving it in half and spilling black gore.

“Thanks,” he says quickly and she just meets his eyes and nods before turning toward the others.

The succubus darts away, flying down a nearby corridor.  Fjord can’t see the incubus in the room and while they have a moment to catch their breath he knows this fight is far from over.

“What the fuck, Caleb!?” Jester asks, her voice twisted with agitation, and Fjord finally sees him staring down at his hands before looking up at all of them. Fjord is glad to see that his eyes are clear of the haze of the demon’s influence, but the misery in them is almost too much for him to bear. Caleb stammers a bit, trying to find his words before finally speaking.

“I am sorry,” he says, voice so quiet Fjord can barely hear it over the distance between them. He wants to hurry to Caleb’s side and ask if he’s alright but Nott beats him to the punch, and Caleb only glances at Fjord once before looking away. Fjord can see shame in his expression before his head falls and he’s gripping his hair with both hands.  

“They got in my head,” he continues, curling in on himself. “I am sorry. I am sorry…”

Beau and Nott are determined to keep going, trying to press the group to chase after the demons. Fjord sees Nott muttering frantically to Caleb, and he’s about to walk over to them when Jester appears at his side, checking him for wounds.

“Are you alright?” she asks, her face screwed up with concern and Fjord things it’s the first time he’s ever seen her look this scared. Even when they were gagged and carted away by bandits she never let her mask of positivity slip, and seeing her so worried only makes Fjord more nervous.

He nods and she looks a little relieved at that, though she still checks him for injuries in case he’s lying.

“Jester, I’m fine,” he says. “We need to go-”

She takes his face in her hands, scrutinizing every inch of him, and he can’t help but look away from her dedicated gaze.

“I am not letting any of us die,” he hears her murmur and Fjord smiles, a swell of affection rising up in him. She really is a good friend-

He meets Caleb’s eyes, and the stricken look on his face before he turns away and follows after Beau down the corridor makes Fjord’s heart ache.

 

* * *

 

 

The next fight is brutal. Fjord can barely catch his breath as one thing after another seems to go wrong. The demons keep trying to charm them, they spend half of their time fighting a charmed Yasha instead of the real enemy in the room, and then Caleb keeps getting knocked down and Fjord spends the rest of the fight with his heart lodged in his throat.

It’s rage that keeps him going. Rage and the need to protect his friends. His family. His--

Well. Caleb isn’t his.

But somehow, miraculously, the tides begin to turn in their favor in no small part due to Beau finally being able to punch the charm out of Yasha, who looks as horrified as Caleb when she finally snaps out of it. When it’s all over Jester manages to keep her promise, even as Nott’s exploding arrow nearly ends Caduceus’s life for good.

They’re all alive. Barely. But Fjord will take barely alive over dead any day.

He doesn’t want to spend another second under this well, but they’re out of spells and out of options. Everyone needs to rest up, and they’re forced to set up camp and try to regain as much energy as they can muster.

Fjord tries not to think about the fact that Caleb set his bedroll up as far away from Fjord as possible. He spends the night with his back to the group, only allowing Nott to lay near him.

His sleep is restless, plagued by dreams of smiling mouths with too many teeth and claws sinking into his brain. Of Caleb, standing at the end of a long hallway, sadness and longing in his eyes as he raises his hand toward Fjord and fire springs forth.

 

* * *

 

 

The following day, day Fjord tries to find a good moment to attempt to talk things over, but everything seems to happen far too fast. Before he can even get his bearings they’re being whisked away to the Bright Queen, and a whole new host of anxieties have their grip on Fjord. It’s almost enough to make him forget what was troubling him in the first place, but Caleb is still keeping as much distance between them as possible, and he hasn’t so much as glanced in Fjord’s direction.

First Fjord is gearing up to speak to royalty. Then things go south so incredibly fast that Fjord is gearing up to either go to prison or die trying to fight their way out of this clusterfuck.

Then Caleb speaks up. The one bit of clarity in the world right now, as far as Fjord is concerned. He watches with bated breath as Caleb is allowed to approach, allowed to rifle through Jester’s haversack.

When Caleb holds up the dodecahedron, the world shifts under their feet.

In the blink of an eye they become traitors to the Empire. Heroes of the Dynasty. Fjord has some idea of what that means but the ramifications of their actions stretch far beyond what any of them can see.

The Bright Queen regards them all once the dodecahedron is handed off and taken out of the room.

“I offer my finest chambers to you. Whatever food or drink you wish for, we will do our best to provide.” With a wave of her hand, servants appear to escort them to their rooms.

“If you should want of anything, do not hesitate to ask. You...are honored guests here.” She almost seems to surprise herself as she says it. “We have much to discuss, but first allow us to give you rest. If what I’m told is true, you have had a perilous few days.”

For the first time ever The Might Nein are speechless. Even Jester has nothing to say, though she gives a shallow little curtsy toward the queen as they are escorted from the room.

As they’re shuttled off Caleb ends up bumping into Fjord’s side, and as Fjord places a steadying hand on him he feels Caleb trembling under his hand. Caleb flinches, glancing up at Fjord for the smallest second before moving away.

There are enough guest chambers for all of them to have their own room, but none of them particularly feel like being alone in the aftermath of everything that just happened.

“So,” Beau says, breaking the silence between them all as the servants who escorted them to their rooms shut the door behind them. “What the fuck was that?”

She doesn’t look particularly happy, but there’s more confusion in her tone than anger. She’s looking at Caleb, who appears to be incredibly interested in his own shoes. He picks at the harness around his chest, at the collar around his neck.

“I did what I had to,” he said quietly, deliberately. “We have turned enemies to allies. Surely now they will be happy to free Yeza-”

“Yeah, and now we’re traitors. To the goddamn Empire.” Beau looks incredulous. “You didn’t think of talking that plan over with us?”

“It was...very spur of the moment,” Caleb replies and Beau just throws her hands up and falls back on the bed behind her with an aggravated sound.

“What do we even DO now?” she asks, and the answer the rest of them give her is resounding silence.

“Great guys,” she says after a moment. “Thanks.”

“I think it was a good idea,” Fjord pipes up, and all heads in the room turn to face him. He glances around, even Caleb looks surprised, and Fjord just shrugs.

“I’ll take a bed over a prison cell any day. We just made a strong alliance, the least we can do is see what the benefits to that kind of friendship are.”

“And maybe we just made the biggest mistake of our lives,” Beau grumbles as Yasha sits down on the bed next to her.

“We’ll know more when we finally get to speak to the queen,” Fjord says and silence falls on the room again, each of them lost in their own thoughts.

“Well!” Jester says, breaking the tension and springing up from where she was sitting on the floor. “I’m going to take a bath, since I can do that now. Thank you for saving us all Cay-leb.” With a flip of her skirts she’s out of the room.

“A bath does sound nice,” Caduceus says with a small smile, trying his best to hide the worry in his eyes as he leaves the room behind Jester.

“Yasha and I are taking this room,” Beau says, waving her arm as she remains on the bed and Yasha hides a smile behind her knuckles. It’s an incredibly unsubtle way of kicking the rest of them out, but Fjord can’t help a chuckle as he makes his way to the door.

He finds himself in the dim hallway with Nott and Caleb. It’s typical for Caleb to share a room with him whenever they stay at an inn, but Caleb still seems intent on avoiding direct eye contact with Fjord for as long as humanly possible. Even though it stings, he’s not surprised with Nott gives a little tug on Caleb’s coat.

“We’ll take our own room,” she says.

“Caleb-” Fjord starts, but before he can say another word Caleb has turned and entered the room across the hall from Beau and Yasha’s.

“Nott,” he tries but she just gives a little sigh.

“He needs space,” she says and it makes Fjord want to pull his own hair out in frustration.

“He won’t even look at me,” he replies and Nott’s eyes narrow.

“He needs _space_ ,” she repeats and Fjord has a feeling he won’t be getting any better answers from her. He gives the smallest growl of annoyance and Nott’s only response is to turn on her heel and follow Caleb.

 

* * *

 

 

In the silence of his own room, Fjord draws himself a bath.

The quarters the Bright Queen gave them are definitely for honored guests. Everything is elegant, smooth stone and polished silver, and the large marble fireplace and expensive furs and linens adorning the bed are able to chase the chill out of what may otherwise be quite hard and cold living spaces.

The bathtub is a pure white stone, blending so seamlessly into the floor that it looks as if it were carved up out of the earth. An endless array of soaps and salts line the side of the tub, any combination of scents that an individual may want to bathe in could be found. Fjord found himself fascinated by the pitcher of water that was used to fill the bath, enchanted so that an endless stream of water flowed forth from it no matter how long he held it aloft to fill the tub. He throws a bit of the provided salts into the water, and with the rising steam comes the scent of lavender.

The water is hot, nearly unbearable but the sting against Fjord’s skin is heavenly. He lays back, closing his eyes and letting his mind wander.

Which is a dangerous thing to do because, as usual, his mind begins to wander back to Caleb.

Caleb, standing with the dodecahedron held aloft, looking for all the world like the most brave and powerful person Fjord has ever seen--

Caleb, cut palm outstretched, asking for Fjord’s trust and gods yes he’d give Caleb his trust. He’d give Caleb anything, everything he asked. His blood, his body, his soul, whatever it takes to keep Caleb by his side--

Caleb, looking up at Fjord from the falchion pointed square at his neck, eyes daring Fjord to challenge him even as he knows he’s about to give in--

Caleb, in the back of their wagon, his eyes glazed over as Frumpkin scouts ahead of them. They hit a bump in the road and Caleb reaches, blindly searching, finding Fjord’s hand and gripping it tight--

Caleb, on the deck of the Squall-Eater, face tipped up toward the sky, auburn hair shining in sunlight--

Caleb, as they share a bed in a crowded inn, huddling close to to keep warm--

Caleb, searching through stacks of books in a shop, his smile so incredibly endearing as he holds a book triumphantly toward Fjord--

Caleb, curled in on himself, hands gripping the sides of his hair--

Caleb, eyes burning with fear and desire, the succubus murmuring in his ear as he stares at Fjord and there is want in his eyes but Fjord knows the kinds of tricks these demons can pull--

He opens his eyes, stares up at the ceiling.

It’s entirely possible that the succubus was manufacturing feelings, Fjord told himself. That was probably why Caleb needed space. The succubus had made him feel things that he didn’t want. It twisted his mind until Caleb imagined he wanted Fjord, and the thought of wanting Fjord was too much for Caleb to bear.

Fjord can hardly blame Caleb for avoiding him.

He had made his peace long ago with the knowledge that Caleb would never return his feelings. It was easy to tell himself that it was okay, that he was happy with Caleb’s friendship and wanting any more was just selfish.

Of course he’d thought about what would happen if Caleb really did want him. It kept him up more nights than he cared to admit even to himself. Staring up at the night sky or a tent or the ceiling of an inn, indulging himself with a taste of fantasy. Just enough to stave off the worst of the want. Just enough to keep himself content with their friendship. He didn’t get much time to himself but when he did he allowed himself the smallest release. Just to keep himself sane.

He runs a hand over his own chest, fingers splayed out over his heart and he can feel it beating under his palm. A deep thrum within him, keeping time as he imagines what it would be like if Caleb were here. The tub is surely big enough for two, he could easily picture how neatly Caleb could slot in between his thighs, his head pressed to Fjord’s chest. He can almost feel the press of Caleb’s hands against him, and in his mind’s eye he sees Caleb looking up at him. He smiles as Fjord runs a hand through his hair but then the need in his eyes flickers, turns to disgust as a sneer twists his lips--

 _How foolish you were,_ he hears in his head, _to think he could ever want you._

Fjord plummets back down to reality with a gasp. Guilt pricks him, cold and sharp, and he wants nothing more than to sink further down into the bathwater and never come back up but the water is cooling fast and the growl of his stomach is making him want to inquire about dinner. He quickly scrubs at his body, cleaning the grime of the past few days off of himself before pulling the plug on the drain and getting out of the tub.

There is a dressing gown hanging off a hook on the bathroom door, a long robe of deep purple silk. He wraps himself in it after drying himself off, kneeling down in front of the fireplace in his bedroom and watching the crackling flames. The fire is the only sound in the room, echoing off the walls as Fjord wraps his arms around his knees, drawing himself up into a ball and desperately trying to shake off the thoughts he’d had in the tub.

It’s far too big a room for one person, the four poster bed with it’s lush velvet curtains is easily big enough for two, and Fjord wishes he could still rely on Caleb to come to his door and ask to bunk with him.

 

* * *

 

A knock at the door pulls him out of his thoughts. He briefly considers changing before answering it, but the dressing gown nearly reaches the floor. He figures his modesty will remain intact.

Jester is there when he opens it, holding a tray of food and smiling wide. She’s in a dressing gown of her own, hers a deep blue that nearly matches the color of her hair.

“Fjord!” she says eagerly, “the servant people told me you hadn’t asked for dinner yet, so I had them get me another tray. For you!”

She holds the tray out toward him, and Fjord can’t help but smile, stepping back and pulling the door further open.

“Wanna come in?” he asks as she traipses into the room, gently setting the tray down on his bed before turning and flopping down on the covers.

“This is so cozy!” she says, curling up in the furs draped over the duvet. “Your bed is _so_ much bigger than mine. We should trade rooms.” She sits up and looks at Fjord as he approaches the bed, an eyebrow raising in the way it always does before she makes some kind of innuendo.

“Or are you planning on inviting someone to stay with you?” she asks, crossing her ankles.

Fjord attempts to hide his blush by focusing on the food. There’s hunks of bread and cheese, dried fruit and cured meat and a steaming bowl of some kind of broth, accompanied by a decanter of wine and an empty goblet.

“I was planning on being by myself tonight,” he says before taking a mouthful of bread. Jester looks disappointed as she picks at the dried fruit, popping a date into her mouth.

“But don’t you and Caleb usually share?” She looks curious. To avoid answering for a bit, Fjord takes a bite of cheese. When he can’t ignore the question any longer, he swallows and looks down.

“Yeah. We used to.”

“Oh _Fjord_ ,” she says and there’s that pity again, the same pity everyone had for him under the well. _Poor Fjord_ , they must have thought to themselves. _Poor, hopeless Fjord. He’s lost his heart to someone he can never deserve._

“But you’re so cute together!” Jester continues and Fjord can’t help but scoff at that. If this conversation goes on any longer he may need to reach for that wine.

“Jes, I think he kinda hates me now.”

“No!” Jester exclaims. “Caleb would never.”

“How can you possibly know that?”

“Because I know everything!” She pulls herself all the way up on the bed, getting up on her knees and leaning over the dinner tray to get right up in Fjord’s face. Fjord, to his credit, simply blinks and keeps chewing his mouthful of food.

“You and Caleb are in love,” she insists, and Fjord thinks being stabbed in the gut would hurt less than this.

“We aren’t,” he insists.

“Then why does he look at you like that?”

“Like _what,_ Jester?”

“Like he loves you!” She seems genuinely confused, and it only makes him want this conversation to end as soon as possible.

“You’d have to ask him that. I don’t think he does.”

She frowns at that, face screwing up as she takes a piece of cheese and chews on it thoughtfully.

“But you look at him the same way.”

Fjord freezes, unable to look at anything but the fire still crackling away in the fireplace.

“I do not do that,” he says, but it sounds like a lie to his own ears.

Jester scoffs, sitting back down. “You totally do,” she says. “Even the succu-lady knew-”

“ _Stop,_ ” Fjord nearly begs. “Just...stop, Jester. It’s not like that. Anything that...that monster made him feel--”

“But what if she didn’t _make_ him-?”

“Then I don’t want him to be forced to tell me!” Fjord snaps, and Jester’s eyes widen.

“Fjord-”

“No,” he says, cutting her off abruptly. “I don’t want him to feel like...like he has to do anything. I don’t want to be an obligation.” He runs a hand through his hair, still damp at the roots from his bath.

“I was fine just bein’ friends,” he says miserably, covering his face with his hands, his elbows on his knees. “And now I’m gonna lose him for good.”

He feels Jester get up off the bed. For a moment he thinks she’s going to leave but then he feels her hands in his hair, drawing his face up so he can look up at her.

She’s haloed by firelight, soft and perfect, and sometimes he wishes he could have fallen for her. It would have been so easy.

“Just talk to him. You’re not going to lose him,” she says, as sure of herself as always. It’s a quality that Fjord has always envied. Her endless positivity. Always seeing the glass half full.

“How do you know that?” he whispers as her hands drop to the back of his neck, and it’s instinct for him to wrap his arms around her and draw her close, craving any comfort he can find.

“I just do,” she says, her fingernails lightly scratching the back of his neck. “Let him know how you feel. I know things are going to be okay.”

She holds him for as long as he needs her to, politely pretending that she doesn’t see him wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand as he pulls away from her.

 

* * *

 

 

When Jester leaves, Fjord finds he doesn’t have much of an appetite left. He keeps picking at his dinner until he feels a good enough effort was made so as not to insult any of the Bright Queen’s staff. Not knowing what to do with the tray he sets it outside of his door, hoping a passing servant might be able to take care of it.

He’s about to attempt a restless night of sleep when a sudden knock on the door draws his attention. He answers, utterly shocked to see Caleb standing outside his door.

He looks up at Fjord. Strands of hair fall in his eyes and all Fjord wants to do is reach up and push it back.

“If you do not mind,” Caleb says carefully after a few moments of very awkward silence, “I would like to speak with you.”

Fjord just nods, stepping aside to allow Caleb to enter the room. He closes the door, moving to sit on the edge of the bed but Caleb remains standing. His arms are wrapped around himself, and without his coat or his books on him he looks small. Vulnerable. Lonely.  

Fjord is about to say something when Caleb holds a hand up, cutting him off.

“I want to apologize,” he says, still seemingly determined to look anywhere but Fjord. Instead his gaze seems to be on the floor.

“Caleb,” Fjord tries, “you don’t-”

“I was not strong enough to resist,” Caleb continues as if Fjord hadn’t spoken. “I put our friends in grave danger and I put a target on your back. It is only through sheer luck that we all survived that encounter, and if something terrible had happened-”

His gaze switches to just over Fjord’s shoulder.

“I do not think I would have ever forgiven myself.”

“Then it’s good nothin’ happened,” Fjord says, his voice a bit more gruff than he’d like. “And all this about a target on my back, I can handle myself just fine-”

A pained look flashes through Caleb’s eyes before he blinks, seeming to regain control of his emotions.

“You are not responsible for bearing the consequences of my own...foolishness.”

“And what the hell does that mean?” Fjord asks.

“Nothing,” Caleb says, turning toward the door. “As I said, I came to apologize and that is what I have done-”

“Wait, wait,” Fjord hurries up off the bed, reaching out for Caleb’s arm to stop him from leaving. Caleb flinches and Fjord pulls his hand back as if he’d been burned, but he does stop trying to leave.

“Caleb,” Fjord tries again, nearly pleading. “Just talk to me. What’s wrong?”

Caleb does meet his eyes then, with an almost desperate look.

“What is wrong,” he says after a long moment of silence, carefully enunciating each word, “is that a monster has ripped my mind open and spilled the contents out for all to see.”

The succubus’s voice echoes in Fjord’s mind. _The one that fills you with so much want._

“Yeah, but,” he tries to say, grasping at straws. “Whatever she made you feel…”

“Was my secret to keep,” Caleb finishes and Fjord shakes his head, growing frustrated.

“That’s what those fuckers do. They mess with your mind, make you think things you wouldn’t normally-”

“They didn’t have to _make_ me think of anything,” Caleb says and Fjord feels his stomach drop. Caleb looks utterly miserable as he turns back to Fjord, as if he expects to be tossed out of the room at any moment.

“They dug through my brain until they found the one thing that they knew would tempt me most-” He cuts himself off, looking furious and swallowing hard. His eyes search Fjord’s face for a reaction, but Fjord is just stunned.

“I-” he says, trying to find the right words. “I don’t-”

“ _Verdammt,_ ” Caleb spits, running his hands through his hair, “this was not supposed to go this way.” He sighs, looking resigned, and Fjord wants to say something but Caleb presses on.

“We do not have to speak of this again, and in time I can only hope you will simply forget. It is best for us both if you do.”

“Forget _what?”_ Fjord asks, challenging, and he’s starting to feel like they’re having two separate conversations. Meanwhile Caleb looks like Fjord has just asked him to rip his own tongue out of his mouth.

“You are going to make me say it,” he says before barking out a completely humorless laugh. “It is no more than I deserve, I suppose.” His arms wrap around himself again.

“I have been unable to stop myself from...fancying you,” Caleb says, his eyes firmly fixed on Fjord’s chest as a blush rises to color his face. He looks furious. “And while I thought my feelings were under control, apparently I cannot keep them completely hidden no matter how hard I may want to.”

He takes a breath, steadying himself as the world tilts under Fjord’s feet. He’s stunned into silence as Caleb continues.

“I am not asking for your pity. I knew that indulging in my own desires and not stamping them out before they grew was a foolish errand, and I proved myself correct. And if you hate me, if you wish for me to leave you, to leave our group...I would understa-”

“Stop it,” Fjord says, holding a hand up. “Just. Stop.”

Caleb nods, face twisting in miserable resignation before he turns away and Fjord scrambles to correct himself.

“No, I didn’t mean-” He grabs for Caleb again to stop him from leaving, his hand finding Caleb’s and holding it tight. The scar on his palm burns, thrumming with energy, and Caleb’s wide eyes look from their hands to Fjord’s face.

“Fjord-”

“I don’t pity you,” he says, meeting Caleb’s eyes. Almost daring him to look away. “And I sure as hell don’t hate you.”

Caleb is watching him carefully, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“I...Caleb,” Fjord is searching for the right words. “If somethin’ dug through my brain, they’d probably be able to say the same thing about you. I don’t think you get that I’d do anything for you. Be anything-” his accent slips, and it feels more natural to talk in his real voice, stripping away the layers of artifice that lay between them.

“I just never thought I could ever deserve you.”

Caleb scoffs. “Deserve me?”

“Yes,” Fjord presses on. “Caleb you are everything-”

“You cannot honestly believe that,” Caleb says. “If this is some sort of _joke_ -”

“Can you let me speak?” Fjord interrupts and Caleb looks away.

“As I got to know you,” he continues, giving Caleb’s hand a small squeeze, “I felt...it was like my world shifted. And at the center of it was you.”

Caleb has gone frightfully still, but Fjord presses on.

“And suddenly nothing else really mattered beyond keeping you happy and safe. And if that meant shopping with you for books or throwing myself in front of you in a fight or making a fucking blood pact…” He pauses, laughing a little at himself. It sounds ridiculous now. “I was prepared to do it. I still am. And I was just so happy to get to call you a friend, I didn’t think I even had the right to want more...”

Caleb is still silent and Fjord barrels on, growing desperate to get him to understand.

“My kind…we mate for life.”

Caleb looks at him, his expression guarded.

 “A-And I know that’s weird,” Fjord says quickly, “and that we’re not even… We haven’t…” He shakes his head. “I know it’s not what humans do and I-I’d get it if you don’t...if you want me to keep that part of myself out of this but…”

He lets Caleb’s hand slip from his, and the sharp wave of need that wracks him pushes the rest of his thoughts out of his mouth.

“You just deserve to know. My heart is yours. No matter what you choose to do with it, it’s all yours. And it always will be.”

Silence. Fjord waits.

He expects Caleb to turn and leave the room and Fjord is ready to let him go. His heart will break but he’s ready, he’s known that this was coming and he’s accepted it--

But then Caleb’s hand are gripping his dressing gown, and he’s pulling Fjord down for a kiss.

Fjord almost doesn’t kiss back, shock keeping him rooted to the ground and unable to move, but then Caleb makes a soft desperate noise against his lips and that knocks Fjord back into the present.

He finally kisses back, arms moving to wrap around Caleb and bring him as close as possible, and Caleb breaks the kiss only to gasp for breath.

“Foolish,” he says, though there’s no venom in his voice. “So foolish, so stupid…”

He bends to press a line of kisses over Fjord’s neck and Fjord can only clutch at Caleb’s back, at the soft fabric of the shirt Caleb likes to wear to bed, and then Caleb’s hands are running over his chest and his shoulders and it feels like Fjord could stand like this forever if Caleb would allow him to.

“That you would tie yourself to me in such a way,” Caleb murmurs against his skin and Fjord’s only response is a pleased growl, a low rumble in his chest at the sensation of Caleb’s lips against him, a feeling he’s dreamed about.

“Inevitable,” is his reply and Caleb only scoffs.

“Ridiculous,” he says as Fjord’s hands run down the curve of his back.

“Obvious,” Fjord says as Caleb’s fingers wrap around the back of his neck.

“Foolish,” Caleb repeats as he pulls Fjord down for another kiss.

Kissing Caleb is everything Fjord thought it would be and more. His movements are tentative, afraid if he makes the wrong move Caleb will stop and Fjord doesn’t ever want this to stop. At the tentative press of Caleb’s tongue Fjord deepens the kiss, claws digging into Caleb’s shirt. He hears the fabric begin to tear.

Caleb breaks the kiss again. He looks up at Fjord, face flushed, pupils blown wide.

“Please,” Caleb murmurs. “May I stay with you tonight?”

Fjord nods. “I-I think I’d like that.”

“We don’t have to-”

“I know,” Fjord cuts in, smiling. “I’ll take whatever you want to give.”

Caleb is looking at him so affectionately, Fjord nearly pinches himself to make sure this isn’t a dream. Sure, he’s had plenty of dreams centered around Caleb, but none of them have felt this real.

If it is a dream, Fjord hopes to never wake.

 

* * *

 

 

There isn’t a great deal of sun in the Bright Queen’s palace. Fjord isn’t surprised by the lack of windows, but that makes it difficult to guess the time of day when he finally wakes up. He turns to lay on his back, a hand reaching up to rub at his eyes, before he feels an arm snake over his chest and a nose in the crook of his neck.

“It is nine o clock,” Caleb mutters, and Fjord smiles. He wraps an arm around Caleb, drawing closer to his chest.

“You stayed,” is all he says, pleasantly surprised, and Caleb scoffs.

“This is the nicest bed I have slept in in decades. Of course I stayed.”

Fjord bends his head to press a kiss to the top of Caleb’s head and he can feel Caleb’s breath against his skin as he laughs.

“The company was not bad either,” Caleb admits and Fjord smiles.

“Thank the gods you handed the dodecahedron over,” he says. “We definitely couldn’t have done this in prison.”

“Not without an audience,” Caleb replies, sitting up on his elbow and looking down at Fjord. His other hand reaches toward Fjord’s chest, tracing a line of marks over his collarbone and up his neck. Caleb is sporting plenty of his own marks, and the sight of them gives Fjord a rush of satisfaction.

“Speaking of an audience,” Caleb says, and Fjord is finding it hard to concentrate on what he’s saying with Caleb’s fingers tracing over a particularly dark mark on his neck. “These will be difficult to hide.”

“Did you want to hide them?” Fjord asks and Caleb takes a moment to think before shrugging.

“I quite like the look of them,” he admits and a grin spreads across Fjord’s lips.

“Oh really?” he asks. Caleb smiles, and the glint in his eyes as he looks at Fjord could only be described as wicked.

“They show that you’ve already been claimed. We wouldn’t want anyone on the queen’s court to get any untoward ideas,” Caleb says, pressing down on a mark under Fjord’s jaw and Fjord doesn’t know where this confidence has suddenly come from but it has him wishing they had time for another round. He’s sure that must show on his face because Caleb laughs, bending down to press a kiss to Fjord’s lips before slipping out of bed.

“We will probably have an audience with the queen. Prepare yourself for that,” he says, picking Fjord’s dressing gown off the floor and wrapping it around himself. As he opens the bedroom door he turns, flashing a smile.

“Wear something pretty,” Caleb calls before shutting the door and Fjord stares at the door long after Caleb is gone, running a hand over his own neck and smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fic I've written in a long time (one and a half years, wow) and it feels so good to be writing again. I know I'm probably a little rusty, so as always any kudos, comments, and criticisms are always appreciated!
> 
> A bonus smut chapter might be in the works for anyone who wants to see what happened after the fade to black in Fjord's room, so if you're interested in that please let me know!
> 
> I'm always taking fic requests, either at my main tumblr (baegentnorthdakota) or my critical role sideblog (tusktooths). 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! <3


End file.
